funny jokes

The wife told me to buy something that made her look sexy.

So I bought a 24 pack of beer.



I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a 24 year old girl. Absolute stunner! I was a bit embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."

I said, "I think my cock tastes funny..."
 
Does anyone else follow Keith Chegwin's twitter? He post some good jokes on there!
 
I thought the wife would be an ideal candidate for a new TV show being advertised.
But looking at it again it's actually called 'Fact Hunt'
 
Jamesy said:
My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw.
It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.
Click to expand...

someone mentioned that to me over the phone.
i replied, "poor guy should divorce her. that's bound to happen when u have a threesome with 'two black guys'".
 
a few weeks ago a fellow MWR member from new jersey had emailed us and chatted about seiko divers as he is an enthusiast. he also has relatives here in the philippines...not so amazing i guess.
here comes the funny part. he told me that he plans on visiting his relatives here in cebu city soon. ok, were also in cebu city so kinda coincidental but no big deal.
well he arrives in cebu city and eventually texts me about meeting and getting together with janice and i to enjoy comparing and discussing our seiko divers.
i call him to confirm. heres how it went:

me: hey where abouts in cebu are you staying?
him: guadalupe
me: me too
him: im in happy valley subdivision
me: so am i
him: up near 2 hearts church
me: same here, you mean on horseshoe drive?
him: no, were on 4th st
me: what? we live on 4th st
him: where?
me: our house is before the curve, towards happy valley rd. brown gate #11
him: ahaha i know your house, im right around the curve, just a few houses away.
me: no way you kidding?
him: nope not kidding...ill walk over to your place now.
me: ok ill open the gate

freakin small world this MWR

fred

cebu city
 
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
 
That happened to me once.

I ordered a parcel but the guy couldn't find my house. So he called me, the conversation went like this;

Delivery man: hi I'm trying to deliver to you but can't find your road.

Me: Ok mate, no worries what road are you on?

Delivery man: the high road?

Me: where abouts?

Delivery man: Near the cinema?

Me: Ah thats right next to me, can you see Windsor road?

Delivery man: Yes

Me: Go down windsor road, straight to the bottom turn right and I am at the end...number 3.

Delivery Man: Cheers, see you in a bit.

Me: see ya.

3mins later he rang on the bell, I went downstairs and we both laughed at what a plonker he had been. Then I signed for the parcel.

I had a little chuckle to myself on the way back to the sofa, I can tell you.
 
Jumbo_ said:
Sorry Bob, sounds like a nice tale but I dont get it?

What was his name?

What was in the parcel?
Click to expand...

His name was 'delivery man' he had it changed by deed poll because he loved his job so much.

It was a parcel containing the light from the suitcase in Pulp Fiction. Cost me a fortune!

Sorry I'm not as good a joke teller as saworeneswike :ROLL:
 
I called the police yesterday because some guy cracked me over the head with a solid block of sodium chloride.

That's assault.
 
Two old men get drunk and visit a brothel.
The madame takes one look at them and whispers to her manager, 'Go and put inflatable dolls in two bedrooms. These guys are too old and drunk to notice.'
During the walk home, the first old man says, 'I think my girl was dead. She never moved or made a sound.'
The second guy replies, 'It could be worse. I think mine was a witch.'
'What? Why would you say that?' asks the first guy.
'Well,' says the second guy. 'I bit her arse, then she farted in my face and flew out of the window.'
 
Dear Deirdrie, I was watching my next door neighbours daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was knocking one out I turned around to notice my wife just stood there, arms folded watching me.....

Is she a pervert??



FD
 
Huhaa very funny jokes. I like this topic for enjoyment.


Yoga teacher to a woman: Has yoga any effect over your husband’s drinking habit?

Woman: Yes, An Amazing Funny Effect !! Now he drinks the whole bottle standing upside down over his head.
 
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