Jimmy Carr:
A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No. I think you're fattest."
A dog is for life not just for Christmas, so be careful at the next office Christmas party.
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."
Boxers don't have sex before a fight, do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.
Has anyone else seen those incredibly powerful advertisements in cinemas where each time a famous person clicked their fingers, an African child dies? I watched those, and couldn't help thinking, "well stop clicking your fingers!"
I used to get mistaken a lot for Alan Carr, so what i did was i stopped sucking men off.
I did a gig in the US once for the homeless. I said "It's nice to see so many bums on seats".
In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.
I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.
I say no to gay marriage. It'll end up leading to gay divorce, and that'll be bitchy.
I'd rather see a pregnant woman standing on the bus than a fat girl sitting down crying.
I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.
I broke up with a girl once because she lied about her weight. I say that, she died in a bungee jumping accident.
I grew up in Slough in the 1970's, if you want to know what Slough was like in the 1970's, go there now.
I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.
I went up to the airport information desk. I said how many airports are there in the world?
I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.
I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"
If you tell a girl you like her but she says "I love you more like a brother", suggest a weekend in Norfolk. Unless you're from Norfolk, in which case it probably is your sister.
I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.
I'd like to leave you ladies and gentlemen with this frightening fact: I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I'm not sure about you people, but I think we're being overcharged on groceries.
I think bungee jumping is suicide for indecisive people.
I've got a friend; she's got a theory. She reckons that the way to drive a man wild with desire is to nibble on their earlobes for hours on end. I think its bollocks.
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.
I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"
I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It's the two from my mum that really hurt.
John Merrick: The elephant man, was teased and tormented all throughout his life. People used to go up to him and say 'You are the most ugliest man alive'. He didn't mind however - he was extremely thick skinned.
My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...
My grandfather told me, "Your problem is that you think that your generation invented sex." I said, “Well, did you ever fuck grandma up her arse, pull out and come on her tits?” Turns out that's how she died.
My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.
My girlfriend's reading a book called "Women who love too much" which I think should have the title shortened, to "Sluts".
My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I
supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."
My girlfriend sat me down the other day for a chat. I say 'chat', it was her talking at me for six hours. I didn't realise that when men say they're 'spoken for' that's actually what they mean. She said "Jimmy, our relationship is at a crossroads. Down one road is struggle and hardship, but eventually, happiness. The other, well, that's a dead end." So I replied, "That's not a crossroads, that's a T-Junction".
My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.
No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.
Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.
See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol(TM).
Sting is always boasting about his eight-hour tantric sex sessions with his wife, Trudie Styler. Imagine how long he could keep it up if she was a looker.
Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but you also don't die.
Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.
Theres been a lot of talk about genetic engineering I was wondering, is it wrong to breed piglets specifically for the purposes of weaning paedophiles off babies, only I'm thinking of starting a company called "They'll squeal, but not to the cops".
Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.
There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?
When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.
Watching sex on tely with your parents - that's embarrassing. I didn't even know they knew how to use the camcorder.
When people say they hear voices in their heads, as opposed to where, exactly? Now hearing voices in your legs, that's proper mental.
When someone close to you dies, move seats.
When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
Love it.
