Jumbo_
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Haha that's my favourite.
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funny jokes
- Thread starter marukomu
- Start date
Haha that's my favourite.
Jumbo_
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Okay if you're offended by this, I'm sorry. My view is a joke is a joke, it's not meant to upset people. It's not even that funny anyway.
I read in the paper this morning that Didier Drogba wasn't invited to Pat Lampard's funeral. Something to do with everyone being worried he'd dive in the box.......
I read in the paper this morning that Didier Drogba wasn't invited to Pat Lampard's funeral. Something to do with everyone being worried he'd dive in the box.......
Jumbo_
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Whatever :-pp
YoungGun_UK
20 TIMES!
Laughed when i read it but then felt bad
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.
The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have
passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass
it you cannot qualify for this job."
Mujibar said, "I am ready"
The manager said, "Make a sentence using the
words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
"Mister manager, I am ready"
The manager said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green,
and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now works as a technician at a call
center for computer problems.
No doubt you have spoken to him. I have.
The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have
passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass
it you cannot qualify for this job."
Mujibar said, "I am ready"
The manager said, "Make a sentence using the
words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
"Mister manager, I am ready"
The manager said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green,
and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now works as a technician at a call
center for computer problems.
No doubt you have spoken to him. I have.
A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help.
The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.
The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the
conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs himself.
So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex with each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day with them and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.
"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn."
The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.
The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the
conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs himself.
So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex with each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day with them and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.
"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn."
Why do men die first? This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation, first:
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy. If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ... its equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet .... its male indifference. If you cry ... you're a wimp. If you don't .... you're an insensitive bastard. If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination. If SHE asks you ... it's a favor. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear .... you're a pervert. If you don't ... you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist. If you don't ... you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape .... you're vain. If you don't ... you're a slob. If you buy her flowers ... you're after something. If you don't ... you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself. If you're not ... you're unambitious. If she has a headache ... she's tired. If you have a headache ...... you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often ... you're oversexed. If you don't ... there must be someone else.
Why do men die first?
Because we want to.
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy. If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ... its equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet .... its male indifference. If you cry ... you're a wimp. If you don't .... you're an insensitive bastard. If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination. If SHE asks you ... it's a favor. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear .... you're a pervert. If you don't ... you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist. If you don't ... you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape .... you're vain. If you don't ... you're a slob. If you buy her flowers ... you're after something. If you don't ... you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself. If you're not ... you're unambitious. If she has a headache ... she's tired. If you have a headache ...... you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often ... you're oversexed. If you don't ... there must be someone else.
Why do men die first?
Because we want to.
D
DagsJT
Guest
I'm sending that one over to my girlfriend, her reaction might be interesting 
See5kY
Gaming journalist
- 28 May 2007
- Team
- Spartak Moscow
LOL m8s, awesome humour
Here is some jokes from Russia:
"I don't understand, why Lenin in age of 52 was the "Grandpa Lenin", but Putin in the same age is "young and ambicious leader" xD
"Female-My husband never shouts at me, he is always kind and nice, he doesn't like beer and doesn't sit at the PC all the time) Also he doesn't like watching football with his friends in pubs. He is so sweet, isn't he?
Male-hmmm... try to push him... he's probably dead..."
"Death: I'll visit you at 10 tomorrow...
Lexa: Ann, please, change your nickname!"
"He: Do you wanna fuck me?
She: O_o Where are you from?
He: German)))
She: We fucked you at 45)))"
Here is some jokes from Russia:
"I don't understand, why Lenin in age of 52 was the "Grandpa Lenin", but Putin in the same age is "young and ambicious leader" xD
"Female-My husband never shouts at me, he is always kind and nice, he doesn't like beer and doesn't sit at the PC all the time) Also he doesn't like watching football with his friends in pubs. He is so sweet, isn't he?
Male-hmmm... try to push him... he's probably dead..."
"Death: I'll visit you at 10 tomorrow...
Lexa: Ann, please, change your nickname!"
"He: Do you wanna fuck me?
She: O_o Where are you from?
He: German)))
She: We fucked you at 45)))"
A bloke is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says loud; "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot".
"Holy shit", the bloke replies. "You actually understood and answered me!".
"I got every word", says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?", the bloke asks, "Then answer this - how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well", the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked. I wrap my pen1s around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at nithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.
The bloke looks at the £200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer!"
The bloke offers £20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he's insightful. The bloke is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Pssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing.
"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the bloke.
"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a see-through black nighty and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT???" the bloke asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began kissing her all over" reported the parrot.
"My God!" the bloke exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."
"WELL???" demands the frantic bloke, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"F*** knows, I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
The guy says loud; "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot".
"Holy shit", the bloke replies. "You actually understood and answered me!".
"I got every word", says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?", the bloke asks, "Then answer this - how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well", the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked. I wrap my pen1s around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at nithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.
The bloke looks at the £200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer!"
The bloke offers £20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he's insightful. The bloke is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Pssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing.
"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the bloke.
"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a see-through black nighty and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT???" the bloke asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began kissing her all over" reported the parrot.
"My God!" the bloke exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."
"WELL???" demands the frantic bloke, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"F*** knows, I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
See5kY
Gaming journalist
- 28 May 2007
- Team
- Spartak Moscow
:lol: 
LETTERS FROM VIZ
I work in a call centre in Norwichand we've just been told our jobs are moving to India. I'm so excited! I've always wanted to visit Indiaand with the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja over there. Well done Aviva, keep up the good work.
M Turner
What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.
H Potter
I wouldn't say boo to a goose. I'm not a coward, I just realise that it would be largely pointless.
Mike Potts
Why is it always people who say 'bring back hanging' also say 'hanging's too good for them'? Make your right wing minds up.
Christina Martin
Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat the bed. What's healthy about that?
Mark J, Barnsley
AM I the only person who hasn't banged Kate Moss? Everyday the papers are full of stories from blokes claiming to have banged her. It's something I'm quite keen on doing and I was just wondering if there is some sort of queuing system in place.
Zak Cassidy
I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congoand I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
Neil Palmer
ACCORDING to the BBC website, Heather Mills has blamed the breakdown of her marriage to Sir Paul McCartney on 'constant intrusion' into the couple's private life. It seems a shame that Heather objects so much to the public taking an interest in her personal business. If only she had mentioned it in one of her two published autobiographies, A Single Step and Out On A Limb, or the 'About Heather' section of her website www.heathermillsmccartney.com, or perhaps when she sold her life story to the News of the World in 1993. Perhaps then the public would have got the message and left her to live her life out of the constant glare of publicity.
A Cherry, Leeds
WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
Mitch Bray
THEY SAY that slow and steady wins the race. Bo11ocks! I am an athletics coach specialising in the 100 metre sprint, and I find the best tactic by far is to go as quickly as possible.
Ashley Smith
AltonTowers- 'Where the magic never ends', or so the com-mercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colum Hill
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's t1ts. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P Lorimer, Leeds
My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?
Stuart Hutton
My neighbour is an odd fellow. He's got a wall around his garden that is completely covered in leaves! And every week in summer, he goes out and trims it with an enormous pair of scissors! I often wonder what he'll get up to next.
J Barratt, Nottingham
When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!', but the poor s0d's face told a different story.
Tommo, Hull
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
I work in a call centre in Norwichand we've just been told our jobs are moving to India. I'm so excited! I've always wanted to visit Indiaand with the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja over there. Well done Aviva, keep up the good work.
M Turner
What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.
H Potter
I wouldn't say boo to a goose. I'm not a coward, I just realise that it would be largely pointless.
Mike Potts
Why is it always people who say 'bring back hanging' also say 'hanging's too good for them'? Make your right wing minds up.
Christina Martin
Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat the bed. What's healthy about that?
Mark J, Barnsley
AM I the only person who hasn't banged Kate Moss? Everyday the papers are full of stories from blokes claiming to have banged her. It's something I'm quite keen on doing and I was just wondering if there is some sort of queuing system in place.
Zak Cassidy
I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congoand I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
Neil Palmer
ACCORDING to the BBC website, Heather Mills has blamed the breakdown of her marriage to Sir Paul McCartney on 'constant intrusion' into the couple's private life. It seems a shame that Heather objects so much to the public taking an interest in her personal business. If only she had mentioned it in one of her two published autobiographies, A Single Step and Out On A Limb, or the 'About Heather' section of her website www.heathermillsmccartney.com, or perhaps when she sold her life story to the News of the World in 1993. Perhaps then the public would have got the message and left her to live her life out of the constant glare of publicity.
A Cherry, Leeds
WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
Mitch Bray
THEY SAY that slow and steady wins the race. Bo11ocks! I am an athletics coach specialising in the 100 metre sprint, and I find the best tactic by far is to go as quickly as possible.
Ashley Smith
AltonTowers- 'Where the magic never ends', or so the com-mercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colum Hill
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's t1ts. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P Lorimer, Leeds
My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?
Stuart Hutton
My neighbour is an odd fellow. He's got a wall around his garden that is completely covered in leaves! And every week in summer, he goes out and trims it with an enormous pair of scissors! I often wonder what he'll get up to next.
J Barratt, Nottingham
When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!', but the poor s0d's face told a different story.
Tommo, Hull
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
:lmao:
BobbyBox
WING NUT!
- 10 October 2003
- Team
- Arsenal
LOL m8s, awesome humour
Here is some jokes from Russia:
"I don't understand, why Lenin in age of 52 was the "Grandpa Lenin", but Putin in the same age is "young and ambicious leader" xD
"Female-My husband never shouts at me, he is always kind and nice, he doesn't like beer and doesn't sit at the PC all the time) Also he doesn't like watching football with his friends in pubs. He is so sweet, isn't he?
Male-hmmm... try to push him... he's probably dead..."
"Death: I'll visit you at 10 tomorrow...
Lexa: Ann, please, change your nickname!"
"He: Do you wanna fuck me?
She: O_o Where are you from?
He: German)))
She: We fucked you at 45)))"
Its funny how some jokes don't travel so well
It's opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the
bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit," said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.
bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit," said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.
Chinese Proverbs
Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok..
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Stand on toilet, get high on pot.
Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.
Woman who ride bicycle in city pedal ass all over town.
A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability.
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Man who eat jellybean fart in technicolor.
Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
Tampon not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.
He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.
Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.
Man who fly plane upside down have crackup.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Man who eat prunes get good run for money.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok..
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Stand on toilet, get high on pot.
Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.
Woman who ride bicycle in city pedal ass all over town.
A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability.
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Man who eat jellybean fart in technicolor.
Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
Tampon not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.
He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.
Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.
Man who fly plane upside down have crackup.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Man who eat prunes get good run for money.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Last edited:
:lmao: Quality!
.
Jumbo_
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Haha that's terrible mate!
Nick Cave
Wrexham fan for my sins...
worst joke I have heard in a long time Radiation
BobbyBox
WING NUT!
- 10 October 2003
- Team
- Arsenal
worst joke I have heard in a long time Radiation
Yeah I don't get it - are Ghosts well known to be magicians?
Jumbo_
-
what's brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr Dre 