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funny jokes

Dear matt lucas, I am sorry to hear about the suicide of your ex. I for one find you very attractive as you remind me of my ex who sadly, has also passed away. If you want to hook up give me a call. Yours sincerely, Jack Tweed
 
The first rule of tennis is to get your wanking over with during the early rounds.

Before long all you'll have left is the Williams sisters.
 
Say what you like about servicemen amputees from Iraq and Afghanistan, but we're going to have a f***ing good paralympic team in 2012.
-Jimmy Carr
 
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A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the wind screen.
embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence the mother turns around and says ''dont worry that was a insect''
to which her son says''im suprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that''


Kylie Minogue, Elton John & Robbie Williams are walking along the street when Kylie trips, falls forward an jams her head in some railings. Robbie, quick as a flash pulls her knickers down, an bangs her senseless from behind. Slapping her tight little arse he turns to Elton and says "Your turn" Elton starts crying. "Whats wrong ?" says Robbie. Elton sobs "My head wont fit in the railings!"



Completely wasted a tenner on pay per view. Turns out 'Jordan - look at my dribbling cunt' was just a video of Harvey's birthday party.



Talk about Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder...
I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan.
Having not seen my wife for several months, I was looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex with her.
Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her head so I shot her.



A female dwarf goes to the doctors complaining of a sore fanny.
Doctor takes a look, then gets some scissors out and snips around a bit down there.
Dwarf says "oh thats good it feels better already, wot u done"
Doctor says "i've trimmed the top off your wellies !"



Stephen gateley body was found with 12 dildo's strapped round his waste...
Police think he was a suicide bummer
 
I was watching the football with dad yesterday - i.e. 31st October - and he came out with this one.

"Blackburn? Against Man United? They haven't got a cat's chance in halloweening it!"

[Cat's chance of hell-of-winning-it...]

Please note, I don't think it's funny. Just reporting it to get it off my chest.
 
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What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub?

The woman in church has hope in her soul.
 
Why did the little girl fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms
Ricky Gervais - Science 2009
 
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I ate a shepherd's pie last night.

He was so pissed off when he found out.


Did you hear about the Arab prince with Parkinsons disease?

He had the sheikhs.


What do you call a German gynecologist?

Hans Upperkunt.
 
Paddy is in a disco. He asks a girl "how bout a sh*g?" She replies "i'm on my menstrual cycle" "Great" says Paddy "I'm on my scooter, i'll follow you home!!"
 
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